please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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