Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
