I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
sex in a hospital.. check
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
