My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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