how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
