I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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