Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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