...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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