You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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