I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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