If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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