Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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