Jerry, you need to find god
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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