new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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