Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can I color on your dick again?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
