My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
