I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
