Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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