Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
