seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
