Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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