Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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