I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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