I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
