I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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