Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
