this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's never too late to be topless.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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