you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
