Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
