He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
