Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
