I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
