I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize