Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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