I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
