don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
