so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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