Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
