I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
