So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
