i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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