I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
