i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I deserve this hangover.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
