i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Randomize