Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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