I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
