I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
