White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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