she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize