She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
