do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize