Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Floor bacon is actually really good
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
