Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
