We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
