when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
