"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
