no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
