Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
