What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
