We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
