gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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