I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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