i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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