Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
