When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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