who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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