Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
