I hate all girls vehemently.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
