you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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