Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
